Since going to my weekly meditation classes I have started to see why I was still getting these bouts of anxiety, why I was still feeling unworthy, not good enough and Shame kept raising its ugly head each time. I focus on keeping eye contact with objects in the distance but then the thoughts pop in so quickly…. Also when on a date, there will always be a moment when you look around to see if anyone is looking if you want to kiss the guy, not as much now but at times I do get a little self-aware.
I have felt this uncomfortable feeling of being judged, this is mostly being judged by myself.
I was not comfortable in my own skin as I do not I think I have fully accepted who I am, a gay man living in this world. The feeling came from my stomach and it felt like shame. This feeling was no way near the height as to what it was years ago but still I felt it cast a shadow over me. Only until recently whenever I went home to Mayo to visit my family I would be asked am I seeing anyone. I would feel uncomfortable and try to change the subject. For the love of God man I say to myself, why are you getting embarrassed? No one cares yet you are making a bigger deal out of this in your own head.
So from then on I answered honestly and tell them before they asked me that yes, I was dating this great guy and the embarrassed feelings would subside and I would feel more relaxed. The word was shameful, disgusting, negative and even at a young age I felt connected to that word. I knew from a very early age I was gay so my earliest beliefs of myself were negative, shameful, disgusting and then my anxiety and shyness developed.
As I look back I always thought my anxiety and shameful feelings started in secondary school when the bullying happened but now I can see this went back much further. Then I started Irish dancing with the rest of the kids, all the lads hated it, I loved it, I was really good at it but I felt embarrassed, look at the gay boy Irish dancing. I went to competitions at primary school and won medals and trophies, I felt so proud of myself, so happy but shameful. I knew this looked gay and the kids were judging me so I just stopped after primary school.
Stop Lusting & Start Living: 7 Secrets to Overcome Lust and Live …
I stopped something I loved so that I could fit in. Even by pretending to like things I hated other kids still picked up on my gayness, my differences.
I looked like the other guys but I was different, I was gay, I stood out to them and they hated me. The overwhelming feeling of shame went so deep into my soul and has been hiding there ever since. Every night as a kid I would go to bed and pray to God to please let me be like the rest of the boys, let me fit in, please God let them leave me alone, let me fade into the background. Shame makes me feel less than, not good enough, not handsome enough, not smart enough.
Once that thought enters my mind then there is this wave of emotion that can take your breath away. So I had to really face this monster in the face and stare him square in the eye and feel those horrendous feelings I was trying to run away from. By facing this deep rooted pain the monster now has shrunk in size. Shame does not bring me down as he once has but at times he does creep up.
He tries to remind me to be careful of all those people out there, that they are out to hurt me but I know now this is just fear that will lead to anxiety but I am not going down that road again. Time to make a new turn. I thank God today for making me the person I am now, I was meant to be a gay man living in this beautiful yet complex world and now I am embracing my differences, my quirks, the qualities that make me who I am. I am not perfect and I never want to be. I am really starting to love the person I am right now who happens to be gay and I am letting those old feelings of shame that haunted me go forever.
They may come back from time to time but they will not stick around for long.
- Stop Lusting and Start Living: A Sexual Recovery Plan?
- Perspectives on the Nature of Intellectual Styles?
- Technique and Practice of Listening in Intensive Psychotherapy: The Change Process v. 2;
- 10 Ways To Fall Out Of Love With Someone?
- Stop Lusting and Start Living: A Sexual Recovery Plan by Paul F. Davis.
Please follow your dreams and passions, do not let anyone tell you cannot do something, that you are not good enough, good looking enough, smart enough, fit enough as they have no idea the talents that lie inside you. You are the only person who can truly embrace this and let this part of you shine out. I know it is easy for me to say this now after going through a process of healing, but the one thing I wish I had done was follow my heart, kept on with the Irish dancing and done something that I loved and was important to me but I felt I needed to try and fit in.
That was not my journey.
Any young person out there who is gay and is having issues with this please be strong, there is nothing wrong with you. You are gay and this is just a part of who you are. I know right now you might think this is so huge but you have so many other great qualities that make you who you are and being gay is just one of them.
If someone did have a tablet that could turn me from gay to straight, I would take that tablet and fling it so damn far away. I love who I am, I love that I am gay man living my life and I love that now my differences that I hated so much as a kid are now being respected, rejoiced and accepted. We also have to ask the question where does the root of this shame of being gay come from? This is really how you should deal with all of your negative thoughts, but doing so becomes increasingly difficult when the subject matter is something you want to cling onto like an addict.
You have to embrace the fact that letting those thoughts wash over you and fade is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your post-relationship relationship. Fall in love with other things and people and yourself. There are more loves in your life other than just romantic, and when you learn to enchant yourself with them, you find yourself needing a significant other less and less. Embrace that you may never get over them, but let them be a part of your story anyway.
2. You're Getting Sore... Like, Really Sore
Part of the story can be that you simply always loved them, even long after you were over, and you know what? If you ask me, no matter how it turns out in the long-run, that is the most beautiful thing you can experience: loving someone despite everything. Start to detach yourself.
- Lust - Wikipedia;
- Reader Question: What Do You Do When There’s Love But No Lust? - Institute for Relational Intimacy.
- Power Seller Secret Guide!
But we will, because we always do. Learn to take your feelings and channel them into fuel to propel you toward something greater. If anything, motivate yourself to succeed in spite of them. Let them do what they came into your life to do: make you better, however doing so played out. You just have to show up and try.
Overcoming the shame of being gay
Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. You may unsubscribe at any time. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement. By Brianna Wiest Updated March 18, Drew Wilson.